he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
