i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Watching her eat just hurts me
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
