Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
