i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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