i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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