I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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