: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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