VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I am spending my child support on dildos
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
