She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
