I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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