i was born a porn star she said
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
