you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
