why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
