Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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