Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
