John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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