he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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