Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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