im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
