good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
