i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
