I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
