I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
