In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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