o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
