My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
