I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
