Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
