do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
