VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
