after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
