Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
