I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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