I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
not ubering you a puppy
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
