We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
