mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Lo siento on account of my penis...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
