I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Boobs speak an international language.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
