I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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