now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
