remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
