I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Randomize
