a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
