my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
