He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
