I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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