Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
this must be what syphilis tastes like
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
