Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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