Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
