make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
