ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
