I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
