That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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