I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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