If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
