Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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