eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
