pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
